(no subject)

What is the point?

Why? Why am I here? Just to feel pain and shame? Thats how i feel every day. Have you ever had someone say, "We need to have a talk later?"

That feeling in your chest. Tight. Can't breath.

Super panic.

That's what wakes me up every morning. That's my alarm clock.

Every. Single. Morning.

Existential dread. What am i supposed to do?

I'll be 41 in a couple of weeks. Im just lost. I don't know what to do or who to talk to.

I made a promise to my sister when I was a child that I would never kill myself. I'll hold that promise.

I'm just tired and sad all the time. Even if I dont act like it.

I'm amazing. I know I am. But I'm tired....

So very sad...

I don't know if anyone uses this anymore,  but in case anyone does read this, I have some terrible news.

Jack Bradley, navarchus, has passed away after a long illness this last year.

I met him here on livejournal 20 years ago and we have since reconnected on Facebook in recent years. We often spoke on the phone and I'd like to think we have become close, especially over this last year.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I'm terribly heartbroken.


Feels like my life has been all adventures lately. Need to make a post about it bit its too hard from my phone....

(no subject)

ooo super creepy!

sitting here, playing ff6 on emulater when i hear a knock at the door. its almost 2am and who the eff is it? i go to the door, don't open it, and ask who it is. she say's its (and i swear this is true) bambi, and she needs help. i ask her through the door, which i've now locked, how i can help her and if she needs me to call 911. she needs to get to someplace called sterling point appts off of ellsworth. i tell her i can't help her and i'm not going to let her inside, but i will call her a cab. she says ok.

i called the cab, explained the situation (to which even the dispatch was creeped out), and told bambi (who is softly sobbing) that the cab will be here in like a half hour or so, but they asked her to stay by the curb to wait.

i told aubrey and she was even more creeped out than i was. but really, as aubs pointed out, who goes to a random house at the end of a culdesac to ask for help when there are gas stations and lit streets just a block or two away?

maybe i've watched too much t.v., but i'm not opening my door to a complete stranger at two am. nope.

(no subject)

Pride was... exhausting. Hung with kori, nichole, nicholes gf rosie, and a giel we met there baed annabelle.

Ended up taking some molly, which was fun,but i think i may be a bit too old for it these days.

Hit up cc's, embers and Casey's.  Then ithink we hit brickhouse on the way back to koris. Got to see brian coleman and met a few others.

Fell asleep and kori took me home about 2pm.  Felt gross all day and realized i hadnt eaten anything for like two days. Was able to get down a bowl of chili that Dan had made but that was it.

Yesterday i made soup but i got nauseous and threw up. Managed to get a bowl down a few hours later,but threw up two more times.  I never throw up, ugh.

Today is work. Kinda dreading it, but im so behind on bills right now that i must go.

Sorry for typos, on my phone.